I want to rip out people's souls for lack of a better way of saying it.

Why is it that somehow everyone on the planet is more allowed to feel the way they feel about sex than I am? It hurts when wanting someone and not getting someone is about more than the disappointment of not getting laid. It hurts when you KNOW someone is fucked up, unhealthy, indecent, possibly a rapist - yours, and instead of saying "that is fucked up shit and I'm getting the hell out of here," you finally realize you can't really stop it - stop her and say, "fuck it," and you let the side of you that loves her rule. I blame psychiatry, I blame that fucking Zoloft that made life feel under my control. I thought it was rape but I could make it NOT rape through love. I've always been so good, so prude, and so unwanted. I had a chance to be wanted. I had a chance to be a masochist, to be sexual in some unapologetically sick and fucked up way that didn't claim to be sweet or pure or caring in ways that it wasn't, to be BAD, to exist, to release the RAR under my skin that only comes out in short little bursts when I cut or masturbate, to be owned and used by someone who KNEW and liked that she was owning and using me, and to just let sick be sick. I had a chance to be WANTED. I had a chance to be hot, even in a stupid way. But for some reason, she didn't decide to go that direction. She was my friend, talked to me about my problems while casually threatening me if I said things she didn't like. I got wet just reading her type things on AIM because I knew she was on a computer putting at least some thought into me. I didn't get rid of her because she threatened me. I didn't get rid of her because she basically confirmed the rape to me. I didn't get rid of her because she was a terrible excuse of a human being. I got rid of her because she got pregnant and I couldn't handle the pain it caused me. I couldn't handle getting hit on by a pregnant woman who was bearing the permanent result of her shitty relationship with some derelict.

I feel so fucking empty all the time. I'm not attracted to anyone else. I don't even know if I fully FELT this way before I met her but there's so much energy, rage, sex in a cruel and negative manifestation, power, etc inside me that isn't positive and doesn't want to be. It couldn't hurt her, I don't think. I wanted it out of me, I could argue she put it in me. And even with all that in me, now, I just feel empty. Because I don't believe sex is this pretty happy thing and I don't think it can be fair or safe unless we actually really deeply know each other and have trust based on knowing and accepting ALL of what we are. But if sex can't be that, I'd rather it be brutal than bullshit. I feel this ravenous feeling in my heart and this empty bullshit inside me like I have no personality or Self. I forget I exist outside homework and wishing sex would go away and anything that makes me feel close to her makes me happy and sad and everything else just sucks and I really thought that I'd be over this shit by now. If I feel too close to her, sometimes, I remember what she actually is and I panic. And that's when I hate her. But it isn't often enough that I'm actually conscious of the fact that this isn't a badass kink, it's fucking rape.