Rape Dreams

When you're a woman, raped by a man, it's hard enough to get believed.  People don't want to think it happens...and if it does, the victim asked for it, the victim dressed provocatively, drank, left her drink unattended, trusted the wrong guy, did SOMETHING to get noticed the wrong way. 

When you're a woman, raped by a woman, neither men nor women want to believe you.  Even in the most open-minded people just don't like the thought of a woman raping anyone, male or female.  Women are supposed to be nurturing, pure, good.  How, then, can a woman rape another woman?

Either way, there are things people can do when they're raped.  The victim/survivor (whether his/her perp was male or female) can go to a rape crisis center, tell his/her story, and get tested for STDs.  None of this is easy, but it is possible.  It never has been, and never will be for me.

Gods, how do I start?  How do you explain something like "I was raped in my dreams?"  Who do you cry to the morning after when it ended with your eyes opening?  Now, over three years after my first nightmare, my dream rapist has heavily hinted at her guilt.  She has tried to rape others, at least in the physical world.  I have all the proof one should really need to legitimately feel like a rape victim, but I don't.  I'm scared.  I'm fucking terrified.  I don't want to believe it was really her who shoved me against her magenta sheets, her plastic fingernails clawing my insides, her genitals I licked so she'd spare my life...all the while I was crying pitifully, wondering why the universe had betrayed me like that...left me to die...to lose the purity that I prided myself on.  My virginity meant the world to me, and all I have now is a hymen.  Innocence, purity, all that other virgin's baggage is gone. 

I don't know what she did to me: astral projection, spells, dreamwalking, hell autosuggestion.  It doesn't really matter at this point...I suppose...what she did to me.  She's expecting a baby in October and I told her I hope to the Gods she'll treat it better than she treats herself (and I neglected to say, me).

Technorati Tags: astral,astral projection,projection,dream,dreams,magic,magick,spells,rape,ravishment,lesbian,lesbians,dreamwalking,dream walking,autosuggestion

So being back home is making me realize how much I miss my old friends, for however badly they treated me at the end. I needed a late night in her basement reading Tarot cards, sharing our poetry (and confessions that would have ruined any other friendship), and watching fucked up awesome movies like Quills. I also had to pass my love's house today...and I seethed a bit, earning me a "What's the matter NOW??????????????????????????" from my dear mother.

What's the matter? A beautiful, gorgeous, yet fiercely off-putting freckled blonde who I've obsessed over for years lives there. One who could be my rapist as easily as my lover...and I'll never really know which role she wanted or took. One who broke my heart, and whose heart I had to break not too long ago. I reserve my right to sigh when I pass her house.

In better news, I'm missing a girl back in Minnesota. Me, missing someone gay and single...and not a stupid bitch (to my knowledge)? What is HAPPENING????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Oh wellskys.