Why I do this

It's sad when everything you've hated in life is basically where you're stuck. Being a lesbian ruined my life, or what little of a life I had before that revelation hit my sixteen-year-old mind. I'm sure this will greatly offend pride marchers everywhere (if anyone even reads this) but I would have to say being gay is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and the main reason I hate myself and feel like I'd be better off dead. I can't explain to you how much I hate. I hate the sound of girls giggling outside my door. I sometimes just see them and want to kill. Those cute little bitches have no idea what they do to me. I hear guys complaining all the time...everywhere..."she won't swallow," or "I wish she could take it up the ass," or "she won't put out." They tell me like I'm supposed to understand because I surely have girl problems too. They forget that I'm a girl who won't swallow, much less take a cock anywhere. If I weren't so weak I'd forget this whole lesbian notion and force myself to fuck a guy. People say, "Well why don't you start with a kiss and see how that feels?"

I don't give a fuck how it feels. I don't want to know pleasure with a man...there is absolutely nothing I want less. I just want to be trash, like every other girl in this school, and maybe then they'll accept me. Maybe then, there'll be a home for me. You can't go home and brag about how a lesbian fingered you/gave you the strap/went down on you, or even how you went down on her. No one cares. You're not "tough" like a girl who had her hymen torn by a real penis or who got the whole gigantic cock (probably three inches knowing the lying whore) down her throat, or who swallowed a gigantic wad of cum, or who had her asshole torn up. I mean...men probably don't mean to be rough but almost every sex act you can perform on a guy is by nature quite easily rough. I don't want to opt out of that. Honestly...I want a sadist. A female sadist who will abuse me beyond what any man can do with his cock, to show those stupid bitches that they're not better than me because they can take a cock.

I want to hurt them. I want it so fucking badly I could cry. I want to make a straight girl feel a tenth of the pain I feel just by existing. I would never do this of course, because I have this thing called a conscience, but honestly I want nothing more than to go into her room and render her fucking helpless. That dumb bitch who's such a daredevil with boys can't stand up to a goddamn dyke. I want that...and I don't want people to pity me OR her. I want them to feel like such shit for letting me go this way, and knowing full well my intents, that they want to die as badly as I do.

I hate myself for getting like this. I know it's wrong to want to kill them...and it's right for them to practice their subtle violence against me. They keep telling me it's wrong to hate them, wrong to want them to suffer...die, but all my life people have just wished I'd go away. They don't want me at their parties, they don't want me in their classes, they don't want me breathing their fucking air and yet I'm supposed to love them and wish them all the happiness this world can supposedly provide. FUCK THAT! To hell with all of them...to fucking hell.

You'll never know how much it hurts to want to hurt people and know that you can't. It fucking kills me...