About a month ago, my best friend and I started talking about the reality of my situation and agreed that there was absolutely no way I was ever going to find answers. My rapist was never going to admit what she did to me, and I would never know if the incredibly fucked up double-life as a victim and sex slave to a girl I barely knew in my waking life was entirely my own sick depraved inner fantasy.
About three/four weeks ago, I reunited with an old high school acquaintance whose boyfriend lost his virginity to the woman I believed to be my rapist. I kept trying to get at why this acquaintance hated Rapist so much, but was only getting trivial answers like, "she told on me when I stole something for her in 8th grade," or "she's a total bitch," but the absolute despising my friend had for this woman suggested that she was guilty of more than tattle-taleing.
The conversation progressed and I confessed that I was still having nightmares about this woman, at whichpoint my friend said fairly blankly, "My boyfriend wants to speak with you about her."
Within a couple of hours, I was on AIM with the guy and he confessed to me that my rapist is definitely a physical rapist and at least an attempted psychic rapist, and that he was her first victim...she raped him when she was a fucking virgin. When I heard this, I burst into tears. I had convinced myself that I loved this woman for YEARS to keep the truth from being "she invaded my mind and raped me, enslaved me if you will, for THREE YEARS."
Next morning I left her a message saying simply, "I can't fucking wait to see you on Maury when karma fucks you harder than your rape victims you stupid piece of shit!!!!!!!"
Not the most mature thing ever, but I was fucking pissed. And "dearie" if you're reading this right now (which you probably aren't, because you hate the internet) I hope you understand, genuinely understand, that I was the only person on your side for a long time...the only person with an IQ higher than their age who sincerely wanted to believe in your goodness despite a LOT. If somehow I'm absolutely psychotic and wrong about you, you have my permission and plea to try and explain yourself. You've put a lot of people through hell, and owe us all that much at least.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Survey
1) Are you really ready for 100 questions?
I've done more excruciatingly worthless things with my time, like high school.
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Insofar as I've had a "real" relationship, yes but a necessary mistake.
3) Do you believe in God?
I believe in gods and I don't define them as the all omnipotent beings of the universe...that being is something much different/larger than a god.
4) Who did you last say i love you to?
I don't remember.
5) Do you regret it?
I must since I have no memory of it at all.
6) Have you ever been depressed?
Depression: The downside of Bipolar II.
7) Have a best friend?
Yes.
8) Are you a boy or girl?
Girl most of the time.
9) What is your relationship status?
Single and not dating anyone.
10) How do you want to die?
I don't.
11) What did you last eat?
Grilled cheese.
12) Play any sports?
Hah me?
13) Do you bite your nails?
Not usually unless I'm super distressed.
14) When was your last physical fight?
2nd grade unless you count dream rape which is more like an astral/psychic fight which I lost miserably btw.
15) Do you have an attitude?
Everyone has an attitude. If you're asking about one of those preppy daddy's girl snotrag attitudes, then no.
16) Ever been in love?
I've convinced myself that I loved someone under a large amount of threatening bullshit.
17) What is your real name?
None of this blog's business.
18) Like reading?
If the book doesn't suck.
19) Are you gonna get high later?
Hell no, I work Saturdays.
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
More than you can imagine.
21) Do you miss someone?
I miss who I thought someone was.
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl.
23) Do you tan a lot?
No I go straight to crispy burn.
24) Have any pets?
Two kitties.
25) How exactly are you feeling?
Betrayed and kind of terrified.
26) Ever ate food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Someone else, yes. Me, uhm...no.
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Not exactly.
28) Would you take any of your exs back?
Never.
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Spiders I"m okay with. Centipedes scare the shit out of me.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
No.
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Always.
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Work tomorrow, see my best friend that night, do something cool that I pay for on Sunday...not sure about Monday.
33) Do you want to have kids?
Not now.
34) Ever kissed somebody that name start with an M?
Michelle.
35) Do you type fast?
Mhm.
36) Do you have piercings?
Two in the ears.
37) Want any more?
Navel, maybe nose.
38) Can you spell well?
Definitely.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Sort of.
40) what are you craving right now?
Consolation.
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Sort of. And my mom went, "WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE A BONFIRE IN 100 DEGREE HEAT!"
42) Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
Yes.
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yeah but I don't like it.
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
Eew no.
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Possibly. Probably not.
46) Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Depends who I'm in a relationship with.
47) Have you ever been cheated on?
Oh yes.
48) Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes and he deserved it oh so very very much.
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yeah.
50) What should you be doing?
Throwing away these fries.
51) What's irritating you right now?
I just discovered something that is causing me to rethink my entire concept of reality and my worth as a human being.
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Yes and it PHYSICALLY hurt...stupid bitch.
53) Does somebody love you?
I hope so.
54) What is your favorite color?
Electric blue.
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes but not to the point that nudity was involved.
57) Do you have trust issues?
Oh my God yes.
58) Have you ever had sexual feelings for someone?
Yes and guess how much it sucked. A lot.
59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
No but I can see that on Maury. "My mother thinks my boyfriend isn't shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men but he IS shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men...whatevah I do what I want."
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Haha no.
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
No and I don't think about her either so we're nice and even.
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Russ.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Does offering to buy your technically rapist a pregnancy test count?
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive.
66) Is this year the best year of your life?
I hope not.
67) What was your childhood nickname?
I hated them all. Let's see. Zoester, Zoester la Toaster, Zoe Patoey, Zoe Bumbalini, Skinny Minnie, Zo-Zo.
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
I don't think so.
69) Do you think you're a good person?
I try, but people hold me back.
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
It's complicated.
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Freaked out.
72) Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Probably.
73) What is bothering you?
None of this quiz's business.
74) Have you ever been out of state?
I've been out of the continent.
75) Do you play the Wii?
No but I want to.
76) Are you listening to music right now?
No but I should be.
77) Do you like Chinese food?
YES.
78)Do you know your fathers b-day?
Uhm...yes.
79) Are you afraid of the dark?
I'm afraid of scary horrific monsters who wear too much makeup and bitch about things.
80) Is cheating ever okay?
If you're a sex slave bound to serve some sadistic fuckhead and you decide that you're going to have your one moment of freedom with someone who isn't a failure at life, then yes. Otherwise no.
81) Are you mean?
Yes, sometimes.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
I own white shoes?
83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal?
Yes.
84) Do you believe in true love?
I don't know.
85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
I don't know.
86) Do you wanna change?
Yes. Everything sometimes.
87) Who was the last person to make you mad?
Some female rapist.
88) Do you like the outside?
Yeah.
89) Are you currently bored?
YES.
90) Do you wanna get married?
Maybe
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
About as cute as calling me, "Diahhrea machine."
92) Are you hungry?
Not terribly.
93) Do you have a bank account?
Several. I should probably combine them someday.
94) What makes you happy?
Rituals and painting.
95) Would you change your name?
I might, yes, but then again I'm kind of in a hiding mood.
96) Ever been to Alaska?
No.
97) Are you paranoid?
Why? SHOULD I BE?????
98) Do you watch the news?
No.
99) What is your zodiac sign?
Scorpio.
100) Do you like subway?
No.
I've done more excruciatingly worthless things with my time, like high school.
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Insofar as I've had a "real" relationship, yes but a necessary mistake.
3) Do you believe in God?
I believe in gods and I don't define them as the all omnipotent beings of the universe...that being is something much different/larger than a god.
4) Who did you last say i love you to?
I don't remember.
5) Do you regret it?
I must since I have no memory of it at all.
6) Have you ever been depressed?
Depression: The downside of Bipolar II.
7) Have a best friend?
Yes.
8) Are you a boy or girl?
Girl most of the time.
9) What is your relationship status?
Single and not dating anyone.
10) How do you want to die?
I don't.
11) What did you last eat?
Grilled cheese.
12) Play any sports?
Hah me?
13) Do you bite your nails?
Not usually unless I'm super distressed.
14) When was your last physical fight?
2nd grade unless you count dream rape which is more like an astral/psychic fight which I lost miserably btw.
15) Do you have an attitude?
Everyone has an attitude. If you're asking about one of those preppy daddy's girl snotrag attitudes, then no.
16) Ever been in love?
I've convinced myself that I loved someone under a large amount of threatening bullshit.
17) What is your real name?
None of this blog's business.
18) Like reading?
If the book doesn't suck.
19) Are you gonna get high later?
Hell no, I work Saturdays.
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
More than you can imagine.
21) Do you miss someone?
I miss who I thought someone was.
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl.
23) Do you tan a lot?
No I go straight to crispy burn.
24) Have any pets?
Two kitties.
25) How exactly are you feeling?
Betrayed and kind of terrified.
26) Ever ate food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Someone else, yes. Me, uhm...no.
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Not exactly.
28) Would you take any of your exs back?
Never.
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Spiders I"m okay with. Centipedes scare the shit out of me.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
No.
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Always.
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Work tomorrow, see my best friend that night, do something cool that I pay for on Sunday...not sure about Monday.
33) Do you want to have kids?
Not now.
34) Ever kissed somebody that name start with an M?
Michelle.
35) Do you type fast?
Mhm.
36) Do you have piercings?
Two in the ears.
37) Want any more?
Navel, maybe nose.
38) Can you spell well?
Definitely.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Sort of.
40) what are you craving right now?
Consolation.
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Sort of. And my mom went, "WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE A BONFIRE IN 100 DEGREE HEAT!"
42) Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
Yes.
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yeah but I don't like it.
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
Eew no.
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Possibly. Probably not.
46) Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Depends who I'm in a relationship with.
47) Have you ever been cheated on?
Oh yes.
48) Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes and he deserved it oh so very very much.
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yeah.
50) What should you be doing?
Throwing away these fries.
51) What's irritating you right now?
I just discovered something that is causing me to rethink my entire concept of reality and my worth as a human being.
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Yes and it PHYSICALLY hurt...stupid bitch.
53) Does somebody love you?
I hope so.
54) What is your favorite color?
Electric blue.
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes but not to the point that nudity was involved.
57) Do you have trust issues?
Oh my God yes.
58) Have you ever had sexual feelings for someone?
Yes and guess how much it sucked. A lot.
59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
No but I can see that on Maury. "My mother thinks my boyfriend isn't shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men but he IS shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men...whatevah I do what I want."
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Haha no.
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
No and I don't think about her either so we're nice and even.
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Russ.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Does offering to buy your technically rapist a pregnancy test count?
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive.
66) Is this year the best year of your life?
I hope not.
67) What was your childhood nickname?
I hated them all. Let's see. Zoester, Zoester la Toaster, Zoe Patoey, Zoe Bumbalini, Skinny Minnie, Zo-Zo.
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
I don't think so.
69) Do you think you're a good person?
I try, but people hold me back.
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
It's complicated.
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Freaked out.
72) Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Probably.
73) What is bothering you?
None of this quiz's business.
74) Have you ever been out of state?
I've been out of the continent.
75) Do you play the Wii?
No but I want to.
76) Are you listening to music right now?
No but I should be.
77) Do you like Chinese food?
YES.
78)Do you know your fathers b-day?
Uhm...yes.
79) Are you afraid of the dark?
I'm afraid of scary horrific monsters who wear too much makeup and bitch about things.
80) Is cheating ever okay?
If you're a sex slave bound to serve some sadistic fuckhead and you decide that you're going to have your one moment of freedom with someone who isn't a failure at life, then yes. Otherwise no.
81) Are you mean?
Yes, sometimes.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
I own white shoes?
83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal?
Yes.
84) Do you believe in true love?
I don't know.
85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
I don't know.
86) Do you wanna change?
Yes. Everything sometimes.
87) Who was the last person to make you mad?
Some female rapist.
88) Do you like the outside?
Yeah.
89) Are you currently bored?
YES.
90) Do you wanna get married?
Maybe
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
About as cute as calling me, "Diahhrea machine."
92) Are you hungry?
Not terribly.
93) Do you have a bank account?
Several. I should probably combine them someday.
94) What makes you happy?
Rituals and painting.
95) Would you change your name?
I might, yes, but then again I'm kind of in a hiding mood.
96) Ever been to Alaska?
No.
97) Are you paranoid?
Why? SHOULD I BE?????
98) Do you watch the news?
No.
99) What is your zodiac sign?
Scorpio.
100) Do you like subway?
No.
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