So I broke up with my girlfriend the other day, mainly because she was angry at me for thinking that she doesn't listen to me...which she naturally responded to by yelling at me and, well, not LISTENING to me xD. Killer logic there. I'd like to pretend I wasn't thinking of having my sadistic angel, Larissa, give her a good verbal lashing but it occurs to me that I don't actually care enough and likely, neither does Larissa so it's kind of a pointless point.
And, because my life is Degrassi on crack, the biggest, formalest, danciest dance just HAS to be this Friday. Being the "I WILL NOT GO ALONE I ALREADY BOUGHT SHOES OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG" person that I am, I asked a lesbian friend of mine. After calling my best friend to confirm that I really meant it when I asked for a "friend-date" she said yes, so I guess at least I've got a date. Is it weird to go on a friend date with someone you've already gotten drunk and made out with right after some girl pulled a John Tucker between you two and some bisexual chick? My inclination is "yes, extremely weird," but I'm going to try not to focus on that and at least focus on "hey I have a date."
She doesn't want to be more than friends, though, because she at least knows on the surface level that I was raped and that I've been through so much hell that she's scared to hurt me. That's understandable, I guess, but I can't help but feel like my best friend's date will marry him and they'll live in a big castle in the middle of a beautiful meadow with ponies and kittens and have beautiful golden-haired children even though he's ethnically Jewish and she's brunette.
Oh and one of the most awesomely esteemed therapists in the area diagnosed me with PTSD KNOWING that my rape was astral. I consider that something of a victory...to have documented PTSD over a non-physical, "magical" rape. I want to carry the signed diagnostic note in my wallet as a charm almost...but no I have to give it to the disabilities office so they can tell teachers I need "reasonable accomodations" ie: if the lesson is about rape they can't get mad at me for running out of the room screaming. Joy.
By the way I really wish that people would stop giving me the "think about whether or not you're ready to be in a relationship" business. If you tell me I need to think MORE about anything, unless it's feces, penises, or crawly worms you're probably wrong because I think way too much about everything else. If you think I should think more about feces, penises, or crawly worms I'll ignore you anyhow.
Speaking of penises and crawly worms, a new/old friend of mine is still friends with my rapist's ex, the boyfriend she was dating when she raped me. That is a pretty hardcore brand of awkward.
I really wish people wouldn't tell me to stop "acting" complex, to stop "dwelling" on my issues, or to just "be happy." People don't get that it isn't that fucking easy.
