Answers

About a month ago, my best friend and I started talking about the reality of my situation and agreed that there was absolutely no way I was ever going to find answers. My rapist was never going to admit what she did to me, and I would never know if the incredibly fucked up double-life as a victim and sex slave to a girl I barely knew in my waking life was entirely my own sick depraved inner fantasy.

About three/four weeks ago, I reunited with an old high school acquaintance whose boyfriend lost his virginity to the woman I believed to be my rapist. I kept trying to get at why this acquaintance hated Rapist so much, but was only getting trivial answers like, "she told on me when I stole something for her in 8th grade," or "she's a total bitch," but the absolute despising my friend had for this woman suggested that she was guilty of more than tattle-taleing.

The conversation progressed and I confessed that I was still having nightmares about this woman, at whichpoint my friend said fairly blankly, "My boyfriend wants to speak with you about her."

Within a couple of hours, I was on AIM with the guy and he confessed to me that my rapist is definitely a physical rapist and at least an attempted psychic rapist, and that he was her first victim...she raped him when she was a fucking virgin. When I heard this, I burst into tears. I had convinced myself that I loved this woman for YEARS to keep the truth from being "she invaded my mind and raped me, enslaved me if you will, for THREE YEARS."

Next morning I left her a message saying simply, "I can't fucking wait to see you on Maury when karma fucks you harder than your rape victims you stupid piece of shit!!!!!!!"

Not the most mature thing ever, but I was fucking pissed. And "dearie" if you're reading this right now (which you probably aren't, because you hate the internet) I hope you understand, genuinely understand, that I was the only person on your side for a long time...the only person with an IQ higher than their age who sincerely wanted to believe in your goodness despite a LOT. If somehow I'm absolutely psychotic and wrong about you, you have my permission and plea to try and explain yourself. You've put a lot of people through hell, and owe us all that much at least.

Survey

1) Are you really ready for 100 questions?
I've done more excruciatingly worthless things with my time, like high school.

2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Insofar as I've had a "real" relationship, yes but a necessary mistake.

3) Do you believe in God?
I believe in gods and I don't define them as the all omnipotent beings of the universe...that being is something much different/larger than a god.

4) Who did you last say i love you to?
I don't remember.

5) Do you regret it?
I must since I have no memory of it at all.

6) Have you ever been depressed?
Depression: The downside of Bipolar II.

7) Have a best friend?
Yes.

8) Are you a boy or girl?
Girl most of the time.

9) What is your relationship status?
Single and not dating anyone.

10) How do you want to die?
I don't.

11) What did you last eat?
Grilled cheese.

12) Play any sports?
Hah me?

13) Do you bite your nails?
Not usually unless I'm super distressed.

14) When was your last physical fight?
2nd grade unless you count dream rape which is more like an astral/psychic fight which I lost miserably btw.

15) Do you have an attitude?
Everyone has an attitude. If you're asking about one of those preppy daddy's girl snotrag attitudes, then no.

16) Ever been in love?
I've convinced myself that I loved someone under a large amount of threatening bullshit.

17) What is your real name?
None of this blog's business.

18) Like reading?
If the book doesn't suck.

19) Are you gonna get high later?
Hell no, I work Saturdays.

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
More than you can imagine.

21) Do you miss someone?
I miss who I thought someone was.

22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl.

23) Do you tan a lot?
No I go straight to crispy burn.

24) Have any pets?
Two kitties.

25) How exactly are you feeling?
Betrayed and kind of terrified.

26) Ever ate food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Someone else, yes. Me, uhm...no.

27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Not exactly.

28) Would you take any of your exs back?
Never.

29) Are you scared of spiders?
Spiders I"m okay with. Centipedes scare the shit out of me.

30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
No.

31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Always.

32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Work tomorrow, see my best friend that night, do something cool that I pay for on Sunday...not sure about Monday.

33) Do you want to have kids?
Not now.

34) Ever kissed somebody that name start with an M?
Michelle.

35) Do you type fast?
Mhm.

36) Do you have piercings?
Two in the ears.

37) Want any more?
Navel, maybe nose.

38) Can you spell well?
Definitely.

39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Sort of.

40) what are you craving right now?
Consolation.

41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Sort of. And my mom went, "WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE A BONFIRE IN 100 DEGREE HEAT!"

42) Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
Yes.

43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yeah but I don't like it.

44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
Eew no.

45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Possibly. Probably not.

46) Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Depends who I'm in a relationship with.

47) Have you ever been cheated on?
Oh yes.

48) Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes and he deserved it oh so very very much.

49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yeah.

50) What should you be doing?
Throwing away these fries.

51) What's irritating you right now?
I just discovered something that is causing me to rethink my entire concept of reality and my worth as a human being.

52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Yes and it PHYSICALLY hurt...stupid bitch.

53) Does somebody love you?
I hope so.

54) What is your favorite color?
Electric blue.

55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes but not to the point that nudity was involved.

57) Do you have trust issues?
Oh my God yes.

58) Have you ever had sexual feelings for someone?
Yes and guess how much it sucked. A lot.

59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
No but I can see that on Maury. "My mother thinks my boyfriend isn't shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men but he IS shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men...whatevah I do what I want."

60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Haha no.

62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
No and I don't think about her either so we're nice and even.

63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Russ.

64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Does offering to buy your technically rapist a pregnancy test count?

65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive.

66) Is this year the best year of your life?
I hope not.

67) What was your childhood nickname?
I hated them all. Let's see. Zoester, Zoester la Toaster, Zoe Patoey, Zoe Bumbalini, Skinny Minnie, Zo-Zo.

68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
I don't think so.

69) Do you think you're a good person?
I try, but people hold me back.

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
It's complicated.

71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Freaked out.

72) Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Probably.

73) What is bothering you?
None of this quiz's business.

74) Have you ever been out of state?
I've been out of the continent.

75) Do you play the Wii?
No but I want to.

76) Are you listening to music right now?
No but I should be.

77) Do you like Chinese food?
YES.

78)Do you know your fathers b-day?
Uhm...yes.

79) Are you afraid of the dark?
I'm afraid of scary horrific monsters who wear too much makeup and bitch about things.

80) Is cheating ever okay?
If you're a sex slave bound to serve some sadistic fuckhead and you decide that you're going to have your one moment of freedom with someone who isn't a failure at life, then yes. Otherwise no.

81) Are you mean?
Yes, sometimes.

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
I own white shoes?

83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal?
Yes.

84) Do you believe in true love?
I don't know.

85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
I don't know.

86) Do you wanna change?
Yes. Everything sometimes.

87) Who was the last person to make you mad?
Some female rapist.

88) Do you like the outside?
Yeah.

89) Are you currently bored?
YES.

90) Do you wanna get married?
Maybe

91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
About as cute as calling me, "Diahhrea machine."

92) Are you hungry?
Not terribly.

93) Do you have a bank account?
Several. I should probably combine them someday.

94) What makes you happy?
Rituals and painting.

95) Would you change your name?
I might, yes, but then again I'm kind of in a hiding mood.

96) Ever been to Alaska?
No.

97) Are you paranoid?
Why? SHOULD I BE?????

98) Do you watch the news?
No.

99) What is your zodiac sign?
Scorpio.

100) Do you like subway?
No.

Don't...

However far I try to pull myself away from her, no...the farther I pull myself away from her, the more chaos I run into. It's always at the point when I'm just starting to get over her (as if), just moving on with my life, just making things happen for myself and someone ruins my buzz and reminds me of her...and gives me this tiny window of hope that I could touch her somehow. Not touch her as in physically...no I'm far too romantic, far too scared for that right now. I was offered her phone number, and I want to hear her. I don't remember her enough, yet I know I'd recognize her voice anywhere...I have never heard anyone who sounds remotely like her. She has wanted me before, she has even cared about me before...so why won't she come back for me? Now I suppose she has a baby on the way, but why never before? Why wasn't I good enough? My best friend thinks I'm too good...but it sure as hell never feels that way...when you fall in love with someone...a rapist no less...and they won't take you when you hit rock bottom and strip your pride and make yourself a sacrificial offering. Is this disgusting you, dear reader? I don't blame you...it disgusts me too, because of its lame...emotional nature more than its "you poor dear you have no self-worth" aspects.

Somebody told me women can't rape today. It later became a "no that's not actually what I said, yadda blah" and she wouldn't listen to anything else I said, then tried to act like she was being the reasonable one and I was just attacking her. I'm sorry but what she said sounded pretty much like an attack to me whether she meant it or not...I think the thing that riles me more than anything in the world (this isn't an exaggeration) is people failing to realize that I'm not wrong...that I'm legitimate in my feelings and that they can't just decide I did something when I didn't and bitch me out...without due process of law...ugh.

Lame poem

Our world is burning.

The only light we have inside

is the light of destruction of our fantasies,

the only reality I ever want to know again.

The only world in which I could be sexy

and you could be pure.

The only world in which the both of us were three-dimensional

and wanted,

but you won't come to the window now

to see it.

 

Stop-

the spinning flames can only shred us once,

can only hurt you, save me, once

and then it shall not be over.

The world I feared, the worst you loved

will never see the light of day-and yet-

it's troubling to wonder,

when death becomes a fairy-tale

what happens to the not-lovers

who used it to survive?

 

Look here, look here my darling.

Inhale, inhale my love.

This lonely oxygen may well be our last-

and I'll never again write love, poorly concealed rape,

in angsty poeticism.

 

Our world is ash my love,

dust.

I hustle through and wonder,

how still can I affect you, to save a child's life?

How then do you continue to break my heart

with every moment

your presence does not fill?

Energy drinks, videos, and

It's 3:40 a.m. The girl I'm talking to is reminding me how life can be infinitely more horrible than mine. She has gone through so much, so many rapes, so much betrayal, and is raising three kids on her own and she's not even eighteen yet. Every time I hear that sort of thing, I feel terrible whining about the way my thoughts are wandering back to my not-even-quite-well-maybe-but-god-only-knows rapist, how I miss her in some weird way, wish we could meet in some fantasy world in which she never raped anyone, I never made a promise not to give my consenting virginity to just "some whore," in which neither of us are prudes or whores, she doesn't have nast stomach hair, herpes, a fetus growing in her womb...and we can finally give each other the love we're both sorely missing. Somehow our realities as nightmare rapist and victim, whore and virgin, will be laughable...endearing almost in this fucked up fantasy I'm having. A girl can dream, even if her dreams are more fucked up than Larissa's.

This energy drink tastes like dirt and puke and no. I figured the other Full Throttle only tasted like that because it was the "nature is one bad mother" flavor...but the citrus one is pretty barfy too. But, hell, if I'm going to stay up until 7 p.m. I need all the help I can get.

Take care all.

Am I the Only Person in this World Who Finds Women Attractive?????

My college promised a gay-friendly environment.  What they neglected to mention is that GAY only means "men."  Just like it always fucking does in this world.  When you ask the average hick why he doesn't support gay marriage, he says, "I don't like the idea of two guys blah blah blah."  Those "queer" cabarets are only for foppy drag-wearing attention whores who make the "Leave Britney Alone" guy look like a beef-eating football-playing all-American jackass.  Nobody cares about lesbians, except fifteen-year-old boys who like to fap to us. 

You know what, I'm just going to say it.  I HATE men with a lesbian fetish.  I hate those guys who come home to unload on their already sticky keyboard to things they don't deserve to see.  When they're tired of throat rape and ass assimilation, they're onto fucking lesbians.  To illustrate how much I utterly and completely despise lesbian porn as a whole, let me create a sample lesbian porno to start.

Pussy Lickers Five!

Act 1: Start kissing, but make sure only your tongues touch, and that your hands are doing some kind of noodle dance onto her boobs.

Act 2: Take off her bra, and then start moaning even though nothing is happening yet.  Kiss her left breast and her right breast.

Act 3: She's randomly completely naked and you barely lick at her pussy like it's some disgusting ass meatloafy porkchop thing your grandma made that you're not sure is safe for human consumption.  Smack her pussy a few times, and drop noisy spit on it.  Cuz that's REALLY sexy as we all fucking know.  And...hopefully by now she's making that kind of moaning that sounds like one of those whiny-voiced black and white movie actresses getting raped immediately after being hit by a car.

Act 4: Find some really porous and toxic dildo (any jelly will do) and start giving it a sensual blow job.  Treat it a LOT better than you treated her.

Act 5: Don the strap and force her to blow you.  Moan like a helium sucking cow getting branded.

Act 6: There is no act six.  No one ever orgasms in lesbian videos, unless some guy interrupts.

Movie makers continuously crank out this garbage, and then what am I?  Sensitive guys think I'm just afraid of their magnificent dicks, assholes wanna watch me fuck a woman...because the only reason I like women is obviously to turn on the sort of guys who deserve to turn up in trash cans far more than their last five girlfriends who have been featured on America's Most Wanted.

The only time anyone has ever kissed me was at some stupid drunken party where peer pressure had me naked within the first ten minutes, and anxiety for the date I had the next day got me making out with some bottle bisexual, a lesbian I was rejected for only a couple weeks ago, this other random straight girl, and some guy's girlfriend who had incredibly nasty breath (bless her heart).  I said...I didn't want to take off my bra, but peer pressure prevailed.  I said I didn't want any GUYS touching me, but that stupid fuckhead whose chest looks like a carpet had to get a pinch at my ass.  And by the end of the night, everyone had made out with the other lesbian (guys and girls) and I stood out badly as "the one who has a lower comfort level" or "isn't ready" or what the fuck ever.

Why the FUCK does this need to have anything to do with my damn comfort level.  If all the guys want to kiss each other in between kissing girls, mostly grabbing girls off me, FINE.  If the other lesbian wants to make out with guys because she has five fucking drinks in her and she's a terrible lightweight, FINE.  But that doesn't mean that I'm less brave, less mature, less ready, what the fuck ever.  It means when I see a pair of male lips coming at me, EVERYTHING inside me just screams "NO!"  I don't care what other girls do, but to me the idea of kissing a guy is just...well it's disgusting.  But at my college EVERYONE likes men.  All the girls (even the fucking lesbians) like men...and all the guys (even the straight ones) do too.  I fail to see what is so goddamn special about men that not only do they run everything in this country, but enough of them to create horribly negative stereotypes sell the dignity of ALL women for the price of one pornstar's DVD (hell these days you can download us).  You can put us on your computer and claim what's rightfully yours.  You can have every girl who has ever turned you down at the click of a button.  No fucking wonder no one wants a woman.  Society has cheapened us.  Made us worthless.

Women go to stores, and have two choices.  Look like a slut, or be grandma.  A woman's body isn't something special anymore.  It isn't a gift.  And vagina is only par for the course (as is deep-throating).  ANAL is the real gift.  The only thing of any real intimate value on us (in the eyes of narrow-minded societal mother culture), is the hole that our FECES comes out of.  That's what we're worth to these guys.  The shoot of feces. 

Pardon me, men of the world, if I don't feel FLATTERED when you want to shove your dick up my ass.  Basically...what you're saying when you want that, is that you don't want to have to look at me.  You want to put me in the most degrading position you can come up with, and ram me from behind so you won't have to look at me, and remember I'm a human being, while we fuck.  WHAT WORTH has society left us women, that you fucking NEED to degrade us any further?  We're putting fucking SEVEN-YEAR-OLDS in THONGS that say "wink wink" or "eye candy."  Abercrombie kids, look it up if you don't believe me. 

They show us these movies like She's All That, The Princess Diaries, and Never Been Kissed, where a girl magically morphs from a wildabeast into the most popular girl in school...but ultimately falls in love with the one male friend who was there for her all along.  Then they market us these hot, grown up clothes.  And you think, "I could be like Mia in the Princess Diaries.  Sure I'm a loser now, but come fall I'll be beautiful.  And everyone will want me."  The summer before 7th grade, I did this yoga exercise I found in Girl's Life to make myself taller.  I shampooed my hair with Sheer Blonde constantly, and in the fall I hit Nordstroms for skin-tight glitter jeans, short shorts, mini-skirts, a TON of makeup, and even this one pair of pants that had a stripe that went up my ass crack and between my legs.  Call me an idiot, but I HONESTLY didn't know that I was putting on a sexual image.  I just thought that I was being mature, grown up, cool, pretty if you will.  They get you all ready for your Princess Diaries fairytale ending, then they throw you to the fucking wolves.  They send you to middle school and every guy is "my balls this" and "my balls that" and "suck my dick" and "blow me!"  Seriously...I could not walk two feet without hearing SOMETHING about some guy's penis in middle school.  It was a major turnoff, and I was struggling to make myself like guys as it was.  I found myself checking out the other skankishly clad girls, all the while thinking "guys really aren't sexy enough to forgive their behavior."

When I came out as "bi," I met my kind-of-almost-it's-complicated rapist and learned that girls can be just as heartless as guys.  Now, to be honest, I can't fucking trust anyone.  My best friend has feelings for me, and every time he tells me this, those rapist words...that I deserved it, that I turned her on and now I have to pay...that FUCKING BULLSHIT runs through my head and I think, what if that's what EVERYONE who looks at me...and lusts after my "D cup ass" is thinking?  What if all of them are really entitled to rape me for being attractive and not putting out?  I'm SORRY if I seem like a man-hater, I'm just so fucking scared.  And she didn't have the decency to rape me, full on, physically.  She came to me in dreams...and I almost KNOW that she did this (three years after the fact) and raped me/tormented me/stalked me/whatever the fuck she did NIGHTLY for TWO to THREE FUCKING YEARS.  And...what the hell am I supposed to do now?  Go to some rape support group and say "I had a bad dream?"  Go to a shrink and say "this girl raped me astrally?"  No.  You can't fucking do that.  NO ONE will believe me...well some people semi-do...but HOW can they when I don't even fucking believe me half the time.

It doesn't matter if she raped my body or my soul.  She's a fucking whore, a fucking rapist, a fucking cunt.  Girls like her are part of the reason why no one likes women...and the added injury is that she HAS a soul.  There IS something deeper to her, and what the fuck does she do?  HIDES it behind this skanky cuntrag BULLSHIT that she presents to the world ALL befuckingcause NO ONE wants to see a talented, attractive young woman who makes people feel good about themselves and is bluntly outspoken (that's what she was on good days).  NO.  They want a cunt, an asshole, and a throat to fuck.  That's what society tells them they want anyway, and most of them eat that shit up.  Well...to all you decent men out there...(and women), I salute you.  And to all you shitbags of both gender...surely my rapist will be at your door soon...and you can have her all.  Her pussy, her mouth, her throat, her eye sockets, her ears, any other orifices you care to carve...all will be yours.  But her body isn't free.  You'll take, she gives.  And when your penis or vagina is covered in festering erupting little red sores, I hope you regret with every fiber of your being putting carnal animal flesh-hunger over the worth of your soul.

Technorati Tags: lesbians,men,porn,bisexual,anger,angst,rant,D cup,breasts,rape

TOUCHA TOUCH ME (Quietly...)

With the exception of the strongly religious and the radical anti-sex organizations, more and more people are embracing this sex-positivism (which I will rant about another time) that encourages the belief that masturbation is a healthy, normal part of being human. Brushing your teeth is a normal part of being human, and most apartments provide sinks. Eating is natural, and most schools offer meal plans, and apartments have kitchens. Sleeping is natural, so every living arrangement has a bedroom of some sort. Accepting that these are natural things to do, it would seem silly if at EVERY point in your life, circumstances made it mind-numbingly, off-pissingly, wanna throw thingsishly difficult for you to do these things. Then why is masturbation (this natural, wondrous exploration of my literal 'inner womyn' so different).

I started masturbating when I was sixteen, mainly to convince myself that I wasn't in love with my almost-sort-of-well-it's-complicated rapist, and maybe to some degree to try to prove to myself that I wasn't gay. Neither of these things worked. I was fairly careful about masturbation, I'd do it late at night, in my bathroom, with the door locked. I swear it felt like every other time my mother would get up, pound on my door, and go, "I forgot to give you a goodnight hug!"

I'd tell her not to come in, using every excuse under the sun and moon. "I'm naked, I'm getting in the shower, I'm on the toilet," usually all of those in unison...sometimes all of those in unison were true sadly, and she'd say, "It's okay I won't look!"

Creepy.

Why didn't I do it in my room, you ask? Because I tried this, and learned the VERY hard way that I'm a female ejaculator. I was wearing a pad, like you'd wear for a period (even though I wasn't menstruating that day). Not just ANY pad, a kotex OVERNIGHT WITH WINGS. A frickin diaper if you will...and by the end of my masturbation session, my underpants, the pad, the pants I was wearing (I was masturbating through the clothes), my bed sheet, and several layers of blanket on top of me were positively drenched. Think I'm exaggerating? I WISH!

Then when I got to college, my roommate was one of those people who I'm pretty sure never masturbated in her life. Try as I did to be quiet, she would subtly cough or start thrashing like I had just hit her with a cattle prodder if she heard the slightest sound on my side of the room. Worse, I fancied vibrators during that time, and had to go to extreme measures to mute the noise AND keep anyone from noticing me throw my towel robe on and crawl off the sopping bunk at night.

Even in my own place...the walls are paper thin and my new vibrator is loud as hell. Plus my air mattress is awkward and doesn't like to be treated like a bathtub. I swear...bedrooms should be like churches were for Quasimoto. You should be able to walk into them and shout, "SANCTUARY!!!!!!!!!!!" and not have to worry about your porn, your vibrator, your squirt, etc. because it's YOUR ROOM. But...alas...we do not live in such a perfect world:-(

And you wanted this?

So I'm a 34 B now.  The first cup size change since the summer before 7th grade.  Go me.  My breasts are still so goddamn small, but still there are those days where it feels like NOTHING supports them enough.  I sometimes feel like I want some kind of claws to push them up and hold them in place so they'll feel supported and not all tender and lame like they do now. 

The girl I like describes herself as a T & A girl (she likes tits and asses).  That's great for me because aside from what a drunk chick once called "a D cup bootie" and I call "an ugly fat ass," I have zero curves.  My breasts...are perky I guess...and I've heard good things about my areolas, but that's not enough to assuage my horror that my body is some kind of terribly unlovable mistake.  Then again...there's nothing I can do to make myself acceptable.  If my breasts were bigger, chances are gravity would fuck everything up and I'd get rejected for small breasted girls just as a toast to horrible cosmic justice.  If I don't shave my pubic hair, I always get this flood of crap from my guy friends about how nasty pubic hair is, and how that girl better shave (one guy said this to me under the assumption that hair doesn't grow on the labia...HAH).  Shaving pubic hair is masochism, ladies and gents.  There's nothing I like more than having a blade brush against my clitoris, knowing that this isn't some kinky, fucked up, exotic favor I'm doing for someone, but something our chauvinistic society mandates if you ever want to be worth anything sexually speaking.

Technically I shouldn't care.  I'm a lesbian, so what the hell do I care if men (the porn-brainwashed ones) would never want me?  I care because ever since I came out I've been getting this bull crap of "you're so lucky you're a lesbian because you don't have to give blow jobs/take it up the ass/swallow cum/break your hymen/whatever."

If these girls had any idea what kind of bullshit and horror I go through to be gay, I pray they'd have the decency to shut their goddamn mouths.  Narrowly escaping a rapist and spell caster with festering herpes, in my mind, outdoes "he wants a blow job and I have no will of my own so I can't say no."  Having your family treat you like shit, then scream at you for thinking they've ceased to love you, all over your orientation...somehow seems harder to get around than "I really don't like anal Guy I'm Into.  Can we do something else?" 

Point is, I don't want my lesbianism to be about weakness.  I want to be able to do everything a straight girl can, maybe more.  This is especially difficult when you have penetration problems like I do.

My stomach is killing me.  I can't tell if it's from hunger, overeating of junk, exhaustion, PMS, or a lovely mixture of the above.  I cooked for myself for the first time yesterday without anybody holding my hand the whole way, and today I was just too tired/lazy.  My exit was closed on the way to my psychologist's office, so I missed it and ended up missing my appointment which I sorely needed :'(  Oh and I forgot to mention that this all went down when I was two days off Zoloft...because that's just the best.

Being off Zoloft gives me terrible chills, terrible panic, terrible rage.  I hate it.

I'm dead tired...but I hate the thought of sleep tonight...waaaah.  I don't want it to be Monday, and I don't want to have to start looking for a new job:'(

Rape Dreams

When you're a woman, raped by a man, it's hard enough to get believed.  People don't want to think it happens...and if it does, the victim asked for it, the victim dressed provocatively, drank, left her drink unattended, trusted the wrong guy, did SOMETHING to get noticed the wrong way. 

When you're a woman, raped by a woman, neither men nor women want to believe you.  Even in the most open-minded people just don't like the thought of a woman raping anyone, male or female.  Women are supposed to be nurturing, pure, good.  How, then, can a woman rape another woman?

Either way, there are things people can do when they're raped.  The victim/survivor (whether his/her perp was male or female) can go to a rape crisis center, tell his/her story, and get tested for STDs.  None of this is easy, but it is possible.  It never has been, and never will be for me.

Gods, how do I start?  How do you explain something like "I was raped in my dreams?"  Who do you cry to the morning after when it ended with your eyes opening?  Now, over three years after my first nightmare, my dream rapist has heavily hinted at her guilt.  She has tried to rape others, at least in the physical world.  I have all the proof one should really need to legitimately feel like a rape victim, but I don't.  I'm scared.  I'm fucking terrified.  I don't want to believe it was really her who shoved me against her magenta sheets, her plastic fingernails clawing my insides, her genitals I licked so she'd spare my life...all the while I was crying pitifully, wondering why the universe had betrayed me like that...left me to die...to lose the purity that I prided myself on.  My virginity meant the world to me, and all I have now is a hymen.  Innocence, purity, all that other virgin's baggage is gone. 

I don't know what she did to me: astral projection, spells, dreamwalking, hell autosuggestion.  It doesn't really matter at this point...I suppose...what she did to me.  She's expecting a baby in October and I told her I hope to the Gods she'll treat it better than she treats herself (and I neglected to say, me).

Technorati Tags: astral,astral projection,projection,dream,dreams,magic,magick,spells,rape,ravishment,lesbian,lesbians,dreamwalking,dream walking,autosuggestion

So being back home is making me realize how much I miss my old friends, for however badly they treated me at the end. I needed a late night in her basement reading Tarot cards, sharing our poetry (and confessions that would have ruined any other friendship), and watching fucked up awesome movies like Quills. I also had to pass my love's house today...and I seethed a bit, earning me a "What's the matter NOW??????????????????????????" from my dear mother.

What's the matter? A beautiful, gorgeous, yet fiercely off-putting freckled blonde who I've obsessed over for years lives there. One who could be my rapist as easily as my lover...and I'll never really know which role she wanted or took. One who broke my heart, and whose heart I had to break not too long ago. I reserve my right to sigh when I pass her house.

In better news, I'm missing a girl back in Minnesota. Me, missing someone gay and single...and not a stupid bitch (to my knowledge)? What is HAPPENING????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Oh wellskys.

Why I do this

It's sad when everything you've hated in life is basically where you're stuck. Being a lesbian ruined my life, or what little of a life I had before that revelation hit my sixteen-year-old mind. I'm sure this will greatly offend pride marchers everywhere (if anyone even reads this) but I would have to say being gay is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and the main reason I hate myself and feel like I'd be better off dead. I can't explain to you how much I hate. I hate the sound of girls giggling outside my door. I sometimes just see them and want to kill. Those cute little bitches have no idea what they do to me. I hear guys complaining all the time...everywhere..."she won't swallow," or "I wish she could take it up the ass," or "she won't put out." They tell me like I'm supposed to understand because I surely have girl problems too. They forget that I'm a girl who won't swallow, much less take a cock anywhere. If I weren't so weak I'd forget this whole lesbian notion and force myself to fuck a guy. People say, "Well why don't you start with a kiss and see how that feels?"

I don't give a fuck how it feels. I don't want to know pleasure with a man...there is absolutely nothing I want less. I just want to be trash, like every other girl in this school, and maybe then they'll accept me. Maybe then, there'll be a home for me. You can't go home and brag about how a lesbian fingered you/gave you the strap/went down on you, or even how you went down on her. No one cares. You're not "tough" like a girl who had her hymen torn by a real penis or who got the whole gigantic cock (probably three inches knowing the lying whore) down her throat, or who swallowed a gigantic wad of cum, or who had her asshole torn up. I mean...men probably don't mean to be rough but almost every sex act you can perform on a guy is by nature quite easily rough. I don't want to opt out of that. Honestly...I want a sadist. A female sadist who will abuse me beyond what any man can do with his cock, to show those stupid bitches that they're not better than me because they can take a cock.

I want to hurt them. I want it so fucking badly I could cry. I want to make a straight girl feel a tenth of the pain I feel just by existing. I would never do this of course, because I have this thing called a conscience, but honestly I want nothing more than to go into her room and render her fucking helpless. That dumb bitch who's such a daredevil with boys can't stand up to a goddamn dyke. I want that...and I don't want people to pity me OR her. I want them to feel like such shit for letting me go this way, and knowing full well my intents, that they want to die as badly as I do.

I hate myself for getting like this. I know it's wrong to want to kill them...and it's right for them to practice their subtle violence against me. They keep telling me it's wrong to hate them, wrong to want them to suffer...die, but all my life people have just wished I'd go away. They don't want me at their parties, they don't want me in their classes, they don't want me breathing their fucking air and yet I'm supposed to love them and wish them all the happiness this world can supposedly provide. FUCK THAT! To hell with all of them...to fucking hell.

You'll never know how much it hurts to want to hurt people and know that you can't. It fucking kills me...

t.A.T.u.: A lesbian's general impressions

First off, I applaud you, intelligent reader for figuring out that this is a strange way to start off a blog, but it's something I was thinking about today. So, t.A.T.u. say they're straight...or they don't...or well they're not straight but they're not lesbians, or well they're "love as thou wilt" but they both have boyfriends but in any case one of them has two frickin kids.

Does any of this remind you of Ricky Martin's refusal to say anything about his sexual orientation supposedly because "it should be about the music" but really because if men think you're gay and women think you're straight you make a shitload more money? Perhaps that isn't why he does it...I don't know the man personally, but I think in t.A.T.u.'s case the lesbian image worked for them. Plenty of people have heard "All The Things She Said," and watched the girls get their blouses soaked, but who bothers with "Yugoslavia?" No one.

Other t.A.T.u. fans get on my case all the time about how I should respect them as artists and stop wondering if they're gay. I don't really wonder. I don't really care. It just puzzles me that they were supposedly aiming for this "man eating heterosexual" image with Dangerous and Moving, while pictures of them straddling, grabbing boobies, and making out still circulate the internet (and I'm helping this I know). The above is an old picture, but the picture to the right doesn't do much to rid my imagination of the notion that Lena (my early teen year girl crush) could still be gay.

That right there is the pitiful thing. For some people, t.A.T.u. was Ivan Shapovalov's desperate cry for attention. I mean, for chrissake these were UNDERAGE GIRLS. MAKING OUT. OH MY GOD. I was fourteen when I saw their first video, and I remember thinking, "They're really pretty. Lesbians can be pretty."

The notion was rather peculiar to me at the time. I grew up with an image of lesbians as these mulleted Eddie Bauer wearing man haters who didn't shave their legs. I was kind of iffy about boys but there was no way in hell I could ever fit the butch persona I thought all lesbians had to embody. I thought, "Wow what a great thing they're doing for young lesbians. If I were a young lesbian I would have such a crush on Lena. But I'm not."

Funny closet moment aside, I noticed that most of my friends who had their CD were guys. It has never failed to confuse me what some men find hot about lesbians aka: two women they can never and will never get. It was after Yulia got pregnant that I figured it out. The media (and yes I hate to use this evil gloomy meaningless word) portrays lesbians as very accessible to men. For some reason, the idea of a woman who doesn't want or need a penis AT ALL scares all hell out of our culture. 99% of the lesbian porn I've seen has had the most unenthusiastic women possible, usually approaching pussy like the mystery loaf your grandma makes that you sweetly pretend to like, and often these videos even have lesbians giving head to realistic dildos (and with a lot more enthusiasm than they eat pussy with).

You'd think as much as preppy straight girls annoy me it would be gratifying to see them together in a sexual manner. Actually quite the contrary. It annoys me to no end that not liking men is marketed as an aphrodisiac for men. By naturally opting out of male/female sexuality, I'm almost more of a target for it. Don't get me wrong, this is in no way an attack against men or anyone, but lesbians really need to do a better job of claiming their place in the world.
I most strongly support actors/artists/writers/other famous people who own their unique sexual identity not as a lure for fans, but just as a proud statement of who they are. Plenty of lesbians listen to t.A.T.u. (and I'm among them) but there are real lesbians (however hard it is to find them) recording songs, painting pictures, writing novels, playing sports, doing whatever it is you want to do. I'm currently rather enamored with Alex Parks. She's a singer, she does a lot of covers but her original music is pretty good. She's closer to my age than Melissa Ethridge, Ani DiFranco, or the Indigo Girls, she's talented, and she's pretty cute.


Just like with straight people, a lesbian's life isn't all about sex. We know Alex Parks is a lesbian because she just IS. Not because she plays tonsil hockey with other girls for cameras. I admit I love t.A.T.u. and their music, but it's nice for me to see people in the public eye (even if Alex Parks isn't on TRL too often) not letting their sexuality, gay straight or whatever else, dominate their image. Alex is a musician and a lesbian, not a lesbian and a musician. Moreover though, I love her because she's somewhat boyish without being butch (I guess futch is the word if you follow Tila Tequila and Dani, which I try not to), but her songs have a sensitivity to them that makes you think, "God I wish I were the girl that song was for." She could win many dames by surprising them with song I do believe. Oddly enough, as much of a perve as I am, that image makes me happier than straight chicks making out.