Today I'm going to go on a shredding rant about dating sites. There are a few reasons why people want relationships. First of all, there are those pesky hormones/chemicals/etc that make us want to cram our genitals together as often as possible, but usually we evolve a bit from this point and decide to do it gently and slowly with some horrible music (at first) and then proceed to do the basic "kiss down" before the genital mashing begins. Of course, then there are people who want that whole "emotional" connection, they want it to be about that special person, not just about getting some. And then they want this natural process called sex to be romantic. All noble ideas, but it's hell to find someone you can tolerate as a person...actually LIKE as a person...and wouldn't feel too awkward about sleeping with, not to mention someone who respects and cares about you enough to make sure it's a special and loving experience. Okay.
At 16, people use myspace to force their lacking personalities on people. Just about every girl is "totally random and completely insane lawlz!!!" and has flippy hair that hangs in front of her eyes and takes pictures that almost look like she's almost kissing her friend cuz "OMG LESBIANS THAT'S SO RANDOM AND INSANE!" Then this girl gets older and settles on a sexual orientation (which quite often is bi or fluid...) and joins a dating site.
As a 16-year-old fucktard, she learned that the "totally random and insane!" lifestyle led way to lots of "drama and stupid b.s.-ness" so she's changed and become "totally chill and laid back, just looking for somebody else who's chill and laid back like she is." She wants someone who will bring NO baggage of ANY KIND to the relationship. Someone who has never been hurt, resents no one, doesn't have problems, and can always be cheered up with a smile and a hug. After ten thousand billion relationships like this turn out to be boring and completely about sex, she tries dating someone with a soul. Since she has no soul of her own, and tries to encourage the normal human being she's dating to "just chill" and be "laid back" with her, nothing works out and she decides the normal person is "totally dramatic and b.s. and full of drama and baggage OH EM GEE!" and leaves like a spoiled little bitch. Of course THEN she goes back and starts posting "I just want someone CHILL. I MEAN IT. If you're not CHILL we're going to have PROBLEMS okay?" If you aren't chill and totally cool around her, you can expect that she'll disassemble your vital organs.
What is with all of this damn "chill" anyway? "Chill" is not a personality trait. First of all, chill is supposed to be a verb, not a noun or an adjective. Second of all, while it's nice to be able to be laid back sometimes, it shouldn't be your general constant state of being. People get raped, most people in this world are not trustworthy, people GET HURT in relationships so being "laid back" all the time is ignorant and selfish. That's not to say that a person should force their problems on others constantly, but real relationships take work. Real relationships involve hurting people and figuring out how to move beyond those hurts. Real relationships involve coping and healing together JUST AS MUCH as they involve the "good stuff." Real relationships don't involve finding someone who can "just chill" and "lay back" with you while the world moves on without your ignorant selves.
That is all.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Gripes
So I broke up with my girlfriend the other day, mainly because she was angry at me for thinking that she doesn't listen to me...which she naturally responded to by yelling at me and, well, not LISTENING to me xD. Killer logic there. I'd like to pretend I wasn't thinking of having my sadistic angel, Larissa, give her a good verbal lashing but it occurs to me that I don't actually care enough and likely, neither does Larissa so it's kind of a pointless point.
And, because my life is Degrassi on crack, the biggest, formalest, danciest dance just HAS to be this Friday. Being the "I WILL NOT GO ALONE I ALREADY BOUGHT SHOES OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG" person that I am, I asked a lesbian friend of mine. After calling my best friend to confirm that I really meant it when I asked for a "friend-date" she said yes, so I guess at least I've got a date. Is it weird to go on a friend date with someone you've already gotten drunk and made out with right after some girl pulled a John Tucker between you two and some bisexual chick? My inclination is "yes, extremely weird," but I'm going to try not to focus on that and at least focus on "hey I have a date."
She doesn't want to be more than friends, though, because she at least knows on the surface level that I was raped and that I've been through so much hell that she's scared to hurt me. That's understandable, I guess, but I can't help but feel like my best friend's date will marry him and they'll live in a big castle in the middle of a beautiful meadow with ponies and kittens and have beautiful golden-haired children even though he's ethnically Jewish and she's brunette.
Oh and one of the most awesomely esteemed therapists in the area diagnosed me with PTSD KNOWING that my rape was astral. I consider that something of a victory...to have documented PTSD over a non-physical, "magical" rape. I want to carry the signed diagnostic note in my wallet as a charm almost...but no I have to give it to the disabilities office so they can tell teachers I need "reasonable accomodations" ie: if the lesson is about rape they can't get mad at me for running out of the room screaming. Joy.
By the way I really wish that people would stop giving me the "think about whether or not you're ready to be in a relationship" business. If you tell me I need to think MORE about anything, unless it's feces, penises, or crawly worms you're probably wrong because I think way too much about everything else. If you think I should think more about feces, penises, or crawly worms I'll ignore you anyhow.
Speaking of penises and crawly worms, a new/old friend of mine is still friends with my rapist's ex, the boyfriend she was dating when she raped me. That is a pretty hardcore brand of awkward.
I really wish people wouldn't tell me to stop "acting" complex, to stop "dwelling" on my issues, or to just "be happy." People don't get that it isn't that fucking easy.
And, because my life is Degrassi on crack, the biggest, formalest, danciest dance just HAS to be this Friday. Being the "I WILL NOT GO ALONE I ALREADY BOUGHT SHOES OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG" person that I am, I asked a lesbian friend of mine. After calling my best friend to confirm that I really meant it when I asked for a "friend-date" she said yes, so I guess at least I've got a date. Is it weird to go on a friend date with someone you've already gotten drunk and made out with right after some girl pulled a John Tucker between you two and some bisexual chick? My inclination is "yes, extremely weird," but I'm going to try not to focus on that and at least focus on "hey I have a date."
She doesn't want to be more than friends, though, because she at least knows on the surface level that I was raped and that I've been through so much hell that she's scared to hurt me. That's understandable, I guess, but I can't help but feel like my best friend's date will marry him and they'll live in a big castle in the middle of a beautiful meadow with ponies and kittens and have beautiful golden-haired children even though he's ethnically Jewish and she's brunette.
Oh and one of the most awesomely esteemed therapists in the area diagnosed me with PTSD KNOWING that my rape was astral. I consider that something of a victory...to have documented PTSD over a non-physical, "magical" rape. I want to carry the signed diagnostic note in my wallet as a charm almost...but no I have to give it to the disabilities office so they can tell teachers I need "reasonable accomodations" ie: if the lesson is about rape they can't get mad at me for running out of the room screaming. Joy.
By the way I really wish that people would stop giving me the "think about whether or not you're ready to be in a relationship" business. If you tell me I need to think MORE about anything, unless it's feces, penises, or crawly worms you're probably wrong because I think way too much about everything else. If you think I should think more about feces, penises, or crawly worms I'll ignore you anyhow.
Speaking of penises and crawly worms, a new/old friend of mine is still friends with my rapist's ex, the boyfriend she was dating when she raped me. That is a pretty hardcore brand of awkward.
I really wish people wouldn't tell me to stop "acting" complex, to stop "dwelling" on my issues, or to just "be happy." People don't get that it isn't that fucking easy.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Answers
About a month ago, my best friend and I started talking about the reality of my situation and agreed that there was absolutely no way I was ever going to find answers. My rapist was never going to admit what she did to me, and I would never know if the incredibly fucked up double-life as a victim and sex slave to a girl I barely knew in my waking life was entirely my own sick depraved inner fantasy.
About three/four weeks ago, I reunited with an old high school acquaintance whose boyfriend lost his virginity to the woman I believed to be my rapist. I kept trying to get at why this acquaintance hated Rapist so much, but was only getting trivial answers like, "she told on me when I stole something for her in 8th grade," or "she's a total bitch," but the absolute despising my friend had for this woman suggested that she was guilty of more than tattle-taleing.
The conversation progressed and I confessed that I was still having nightmares about this woman, at whichpoint my friend said fairly blankly, "My boyfriend wants to speak with you about her."
Within a couple of hours, I was on AIM with the guy and he confessed to me that my rapist is definitely a physical rapist and at least an attempted psychic rapist, and that he was her first victim...she raped him when she was a fucking virgin. When I heard this, I burst into tears. I had convinced myself that I loved this woman for YEARS to keep the truth from being "she invaded my mind and raped me, enslaved me if you will, for THREE YEARS."
Next morning I left her a message saying simply, "I can't fucking wait to see you on Maury when karma fucks you harder than your rape victims you stupid piece of shit!!!!!!!"
Not the most mature thing ever, but I was fucking pissed. And "dearie" if you're reading this right now (which you probably aren't, because you hate the internet) I hope you understand, genuinely understand, that I was the only person on your side for a long time...the only person with an IQ higher than their age who sincerely wanted to believe in your goodness despite a LOT. If somehow I'm absolutely psychotic and wrong about you, you have my permission and plea to try and explain yourself. You've put a lot of people through hell, and owe us all that much at least.
About three/four weeks ago, I reunited with an old high school acquaintance whose boyfriend lost his virginity to the woman I believed to be my rapist. I kept trying to get at why this acquaintance hated Rapist so much, but was only getting trivial answers like, "she told on me when I stole something for her in 8th grade," or "she's a total bitch," but the absolute despising my friend had for this woman suggested that she was guilty of more than tattle-taleing.
The conversation progressed and I confessed that I was still having nightmares about this woman, at whichpoint my friend said fairly blankly, "My boyfriend wants to speak with you about her."
Within a couple of hours, I was on AIM with the guy and he confessed to me that my rapist is definitely a physical rapist and at least an attempted psychic rapist, and that he was her first victim...she raped him when she was a fucking virgin. When I heard this, I burst into tears. I had convinced myself that I loved this woman for YEARS to keep the truth from being "she invaded my mind and raped me, enslaved me if you will, for THREE YEARS."
Next morning I left her a message saying simply, "I can't fucking wait to see you on Maury when karma fucks you harder than your rape victims you stupid piece of shit!!!!!!!"
Not the most mature thing ever, but I was fucking pissed. And "dearie" if you're reading this right now (which you probably aren't, because you hate the internet) I hope you understand, genuinely understand, that I was the only person on your side for a long time...the only person with an IQ higher than their age who sincerely wanted to believe in your goodness despite a LOT. If somehow I'm absolutely psychotic and wrong about you, you have my permission and plea to try and explain yourself. You've put a lot of people through hell, and owe us all that much at least.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Survey
1) Are you really ready for 100 questions?
I've done more excruciatingly worthless things with my time, like high school.
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Insofar as I've had a "real" relationship, yes but a necessary mistake.
3) Do you believe in God?
I believe in gods and I don't define them as the all omnipotent beings of the universe...that being is something much different/larger than a god.
4) Who did you last say i love you to?
I don't remember.
5) Do you regret it?
I must since I have no memory of it at all.
6) Have you ever been depressed?
Depression: The downside of Bipolar II.
7) Have a best friend?
Yes.
8) Are you a boy or girl?
Girl most of the time.
9) What is your relationship status?
Single and not dating anyone.
10) How do you want to die?
I don't.
11) What did you last eat?
Grilled cheese.
12) Play any sports?
Hah me?
13) Do you bite your nails?
Not usually unless I'm super distressed.
14) When was your last physical fight?
2nd grade unless you count dream rape which is more like an astral/psychic fight which I lost miserably btw.
15) Do you have an attitude?
Everyone has an attitude. If you're asking about one of those preppy daddy's girl snotrag attitudes, then no.
16) Ever been in love?
I've convinced myself that I loved someone under a large amount of threatening bullshit.
17) What is your real name?
None of this blog's business.
18) Like reading?
If the book doesn't suck.
19) Are you gonna get high later?
Hell no, I work Saturdays.
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
More than you can imagine.
21) Do you miss someone?
I miss who I thought someone was.
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl.
23) Do you tan a lot?
No I go straight to crispy burn.
24) Have any pets?
Two kitties.
25) How exactly are you feeling?
Betrayed and kind of terrified.
26) Ever ate food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Someone else, yes. Me, uhm...no.
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Not exactly.
28) Would you take any of your exs back?
Never.
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Spiders I"m okay with. Centipedes scare the shit out of me.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
No.
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Always.
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Work tomorrow, see my best friend that night, do something cool that I pay for on Sunday...not sure about Monday.
33) Do you want to have kids?
Not now.
34) Ever kissed somebody that name start with an M?
Michelle.
35) Do you type fast?
Mhm.
36) Do you have piercings?
Two in the ears.
37) Want any more?
Navel, maybe nose.
38) Can you spell well?
Definitely.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Sort of.
40) what are you craving right now?
Consolation.
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Sort of. And my mom went, "WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE A BONFIRE IN 100 DEGREE HEAT!"
42) Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
Yes.
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yeah but I don't like it.
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
Eew no.
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Possibly. Probably not.
46) Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Depends who I'm in a relationship with.
47) Have you ever been cheated on?
Oh yes.
48) Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes and he deserved it oh so very very much.
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yeah.
50) What should you be doing?
Throwing away these fries.
51) What's irritating you right now?
I just discovered something that is causing me to rethink my entire concept of reality and my worth as a human being.
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Yes and it PHYSICALLY hurt...stupid bitch.
53) Does somebody love you?
I hope so.
54) What is your favorite color?
Electric blue.
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes but not to the point that nudity was involved.
57) Do you have trust issues?
Oh my God yes.
58) Have you ever had sexual feelings for someone?
Yes and guess how much it sucked. A lot.
59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
No but I can see that on Maury. "My mother thinks my boyfriend isn't shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men but he IS shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men...whatevah I do what I want."
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Haha no.
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
No and I don't think about her either so we're nice and even.
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Russ.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Does offering to buy your technically rapist a pregnancy test count?
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive.
66) Is this year the best year of your life?
I hope not.
67) What was your childhood nickname?
I hated them all. Let's see. Zoester, Zoester la Toaster, Zoe Patoey, Zoe Bumbalini, Skinny Minnie, Zo-Zo.
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
I don't think so.
69) Do you think you're a good person?
I try, but people hold me back.
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
It's complicated.
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Freaked out.
72) Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Probably.
73) What is bothering you?
None of this quiz's business.
74) Have you ever been out of state?
I've been out of the continent.
75) Do you play the Wii?
No but I want to.
76) Are you listening to music right now?
No but I should be.
77) Do you like Chinese food?
YES.
78)Do you know your fathers b-day?
Uhm...yes.
79) Are you afraid of the dark?
I'm afraid of scary horrific monsters who wear too much makeup and bitch about things.
80) Is cheating ever okay?
If you're a sex slave bound to serve some sadistic fuckhead and you decide that you're going to have your one moment of freedom with someone who isn't a failure at life, then yes. Otherwise no.
81) Are you mean?
Yes, sometimes.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
I own white shoes?
83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal?
Yes.
84) Do you believe in true love?
I don't know.
85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
I don't know.
86) Do you wanna change?
Yes. Everything sometimes.
87) Who was the last person to make you mad?
Some female rapist.
88) Do you like the outside?
Yeah.
89) Are you currently bored?
YES.
90) Do you wanna get married?
Maybe
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
About as cute as calling me, "Diahhrea machine."
92) Are you hungry?
Not terribly.
93) Do you have a bank account?
Several. I should probably combine them someday.
94) What makes you happy?
Rituals and painting.
95) Would you change your name?
I might, yes, but then again I'm kind of in a hiding mood.
96) Ever been to Alaska?
No.
97) Are you paranoid?
Why? SHOULD I BE?????
98) Do you watch the news?
No.
99) What is your zodiac sign?
Scorpio.
100) Do you like subway?
No.
I've done more excruciatingly worthless things with my time, like high school.
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake?
Insofar as I've had a "real" relationship, yes but a necessary mistake.
3) Do you believe in God?
I believe in gods and I don't define them as the all omnipotent beings of the universe...that being is something much different/larger than a god.
4) Who did you last say i love you to?
I don't remember.
5) Do you regret it?
I must since I have no memory of it at all.
6) Have you ever been depressed?
Depression: The downside of Bipolar II.
7) Have a best friend?
Yes.
8) Are you a boy or girl?
Girl most of the time.
9) What is your relationship status?
Single and not dating anyone.
10) How do you want to die?
I don't.
11) What did you last eat?
Grilled cheese.
12) Play any sports?
Hah me?
13) Do you bite your nails?
Not usually unless I'm super distressed.
14) When was your last physical fight?
2nd grade unless you count dream rape which is more like an astral/psychic fight which I lost miserably btw.
15) Do you have an attitude?
Everyone has an attitude. If you're asking about one of those preppy daddy's girl snotrag attitudes, then no.
16) Ever been in love?
I've convinced myself that I loved someone under a large amount of threatening bullshit.
17) What is your real name?
None of this blog's business.
18) Like reading?
If the book doesn't suck.
19) Are you gonna get high later?
Hell no, I work Saturdays.
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
More than you can imagine.
21) Do you miss someone?
I miss who I thought someone was.
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
Twirl.
23) Do you tan a lot?
No I go straight to crispy burn.
24) Have any pets?
Two kitties.
25) How exactly are you feeling?
Betrayed and kind of terrified.
26) Ever ate food in a car while someone or yourself is driving?
Someone else, yes. Me, uhm...no.
27) Ever made out in the bathroom?
Not exactly.
28) Would you take any of your exs back?
Never.
29) Are you scared of spiders?
Spiders I"m okay with. Centipedes scare the shit out of me.
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
No.
31) Do you regret anything from your past?
Always.
32) What are your plans for this weekend?
Work tomorrow, see my best friend that night, do something cool that I pay for on Sunday...not sure about Monday.
33) Do you want to have kids?
Not now.
34) Ever kissed somebody that name start with an M?
Michelle.
35) Do you type fast?
Mhm.
36) Do you have piercings?
Two in the ears.
37) Want any more?
Navel, maybe nose.
38) Can you spell well?
Definitely.
39) Do you miss anyone from your past?
Sort of.
40) what are you craving right now?
Consolation.
41) Ever been to a bonfire party?
Sort of. And my mom went, "WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS IT TO HAVE A BONFIRE IN 100 DEGREE HEAT!"
42) Ever been swimming in a lake or river?
Yes.
43) Have you ever been on a horse?
Yeah but I don't like it.
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck?
Eew no.
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Possibly. Probably not.
46) Are you happier single or in a relationship?
Depends who I'm in a relationship with.
47) Have you ever been cheated on?
Oh yes.
48) Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
Yes and he deserved it oh so very very much.
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Yeah.
50) What should you be doing?
Throwing away these fries.
51) What's irritating you right now?
I just discovered something that is causing me to rethink my entire concept of reality and my worth as a human being.
52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
Yes and it PHYSICALLY hurt...stupid bitch.
53) Does somebody love you?
I hope so.
54) What is your favorite color?
Electric blue.
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
Yes but not to the point that nudity was involved.
57) Do you have trust issues?
Oh my God yes.
58) Have you ever had sexual feelings for someone?
Yes and guess how much it sucked. A lot.
59) Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
No but I can see that on Maury. "My mother thinks my boyfriend isn't shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men but he IS shaving my pubic hair in the sink and then videotaping it for 80-year-old men...whatevah I do what I want."
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Haha no.
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you?
No and I don't think about her either so we're nice and even.
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Russ.
64) Do you give out second chances too easily?
Does offering to buy your technically rapist a pregnancy test count?
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive.
66) Is this year the best year of your life?
I hope not.
67) What was your childhood nickname?
I hated them all. Let's see. Zoester, Zoester la Toaster, Zoe Patoey, Zoe Bumbalini, Skinny Minnie, Zo-Zo.
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked?
I don't think so.
69) Do you think you're a good person?
I try, but people hold me back.
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
It's complicated.
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Freaked out.
72) Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Probably.
73) What is bothering you?
None of this quiz's business.
74) Have you ever been out of state?
I've been out of the continent.
75) Do you play the Wii?
No but I want to.
76) Are you listening to music right now?
No but I should be.
77) Do you like Chinese food?
YES.
78)Do you know your fathers b-day?
Uhm...yes.
79) Are you afraid of the dark?
I'm afraid of scary horrific monsters who wear too much makeup and bitch about things.
80) Is cheating ever okay?
If you're a sex slave bound to serve some sadistic fuckhead and you decide that you're going to have your one moment of freedom with someone who isn't a failure at life, then yes. Otherwise no.
81) Are you mean?
Yes, sometimes.
82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
I own white shoes?
83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal?
Yes.
84) Do you believe in true love?
I don't know.
85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
I don't know.
86) Do you wanna change?
Yes. Everything sometimes.
87) Who was the last person to make you mad?
Some female rapist.
88) Do you like the outside?
Yeah.
89) Are you currently bored?
YES.
90) Do you wanna get married?
Maybe
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?
About as cute as calling me, "Diahhrea machine."
92) Are you hungry?
Not terribly.
93) Do you have a bank account?
Several. I should probably combine them someday.
94) What makes you happy?
Rituals and painting.
95) Would you change your name?
I might, yes, but then again I'm kind of in a hiding mood.
96) Ever been to Alaska?
No.
97) Are you paranoid?
Why? SHOULD I BE?????
98) Do you watch the news?
No.
99) What is your zodiac sign?
Scorpio.
100) Do you like subway?
No.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Don't...
However far I try to pull myself away from her, no...the farther I pull myself away from her, the more chaos I run into. It's always at the point when I'm just starting to get over her (as if), just moving on with my life, just making things happen for myself and someone ruins my buzz and reminds me of her...and gives me this tiny window of hope that I could touch her somehow. Not touch her as in physically...no I'm far too romantic, far too scared for that right now. I was offered her phone number, and I want to hear her. I don't remember her enough, yet I know I'd recognize her voice anywhere...I have never heard anyone who sounds remotely like her. She has wanted me before, she has even cared about me before...so why won't she come back for me? Now I suppose she has a baby on the way, but why never before? Why wasn't I good enough? My best friend thinks I'm too good...but it sure as hell never feels that way...when you fall in love with someone...a rapist no less...and they won't take you when you hit rock bottom and strip your pride and make yourself a sacrificial offering. Is this disgusting you, dear reader? I don't blame you...it disgusts me too, because of its lame...emotional nature more than its "you poor dear you have no self-worth" aspects.
Somebody told me women can't rape today. It later became a "no that's not actually what I said, yadda blah" and she wouldn't listen to anything else I said, then tried to act like she was being the reasonable one and I was just attacking her. I'm sorry but what she said sounded pretty much like an attack to me whether she meant it or not...I think the thing that riles me more than anything in the world (this isn't an exaggeration) is people failing to realize that I'm not wrong...that I'm legitimate in my feelings and that they can't just decide I did something when I didn't and bitch me out...without due process of law...ugh.
Somebody told me women can't rape today. It later became a "no that's not actually what I said, yadda blah" and she wouldn't listen to anything else I said, then tried to act like she was being the reasonable one and I was just attacking her. I'm sorry but what she said sounded pretty much like an attack to me whether she meant it or not...I think the thing that riles me more than anything in the world (this isn't an exaggeration) is people failing to realize that I'm not wrong...that I'm legitimate in my feelings and that they can't just decide I did something when I didn't and bitch me out...without due process of law...ugh.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Lame poem
Our world is burning.
The only light we have inside
is the light of destruction of our fantasies,
the only reality I ever want to know again.
The only world in which I could be sexy
and you could be pure.
The only world in which the both of us were three-dimensional
and wanted,
but you won't come to the window now
to see it.
Stop-
the spinning flames can only shred us once,
can only hurt you, save me, once
and then it shall not be over.
The world I feared, the worst you loved
will never see the light of day-and yet-
it's troubling to wonder,
when death becomes a fairy-tale
what happens to the not-lovers
who used it to survive?
Look here, look here my darling.
Inhale, inhale my love.
This lonely oxygen may well be our last-
and I'll never again write love, poorly concealed rape,
in angsty poeticism.
Our world is ash my love,
dust.
I hustle through and wonder,
how still can I affect you, to save a child's life?
How then do you continue to break my heart
with every moment
your presence does not fill?
Energy drinks, videos, and
It's 3:40 a.m. The girl I'm talking to is reminding me how life can be infinitely more horrible than mine. She has gone through so much, so many rapes, so much betrayal, and is raising three kids on her own and she's not even eighteen yet. Every time I hear that sort of thing, I feel terrible whining about the way my thoughts are wandering back to my not-even-quite-well-maybe-but-god-only-knows rapist, how I miss her in some weird way, wish we could meet in some fantasy world in which she never raped anyone, I never made a promise not to give my consenting virginity to just "some whore," in which neither of us are prudes or whores, she doesn't have nast stomach hair, herpes, a fetus growing in her womb...and we can finally give each other the love we're both sorely missing. Somehow our realities as nightmare rapist and victim, whore and virgin, will be laughable...endearing almost in this fucked up fantasy I'm having. A girl can dream, even if her dreams are more fucked up than Larissa's.
This energy drink tastes like dirt and puke and no. I figured the other Full Throttle only tasted like that because it was the "nature is one bad mother" flavor...but the citrus one is pretty barfy too. But, hell, if I'm going to stay up until 7 p.m. I need all the help I can get.
Take care all.
This energy drink tastes like dirt and puke and no. I figured the other Full Throttle only tasted like that because it was the "nature is one bad mother" flavor...but the citrus one is pretty barfy too. But, hell, if I'm going to stay up until 7 p.m. I need all the help I can get.
Take care all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)