There is nothing more awkward than hospitality and nothing more guilt-tripping than feeling awkward about hospitality.

So I've been staying with my best friend and soon-to-be roommate since Saturday night. It was cool for a while but right now I kind of feel like a freeloading bum. This guy already pays for me every time we go out to eat because he's super rich and is like a Sim you used the money cheat on...but in addition to that he lent me this huge chunk of money when I fucked up with the bank so I wouldn't have to call my borderline mother.

So, first of all this is obscenely awkward because at 20 it's weird to depend on someone else for everything. He gets me up and then I have to ask him about what's happening for food (that's staying with someone else for you,) and chances are we're hungry at different times and that's awkward, and if I need to go anyplace I have to ask him to drive me (because this city is not very walkable) and that's awkward, and I have nowhere to put the like three outfits I brought with me in this place so everything's a mess on his mom's sewing table and THAT'S awkward, and then his parents have asked us to help with some chores (fine) and they're paying me, a guest, to help with chores and as much as I appreciate it, they helped pay for my first rent and bought us cable and have paid for enough else that I feel like I should just wash the frickin windows for free and now I feel like a conniver and so THAT'S awkward. And then feeling awkward about insanely generous hospitality makes me feel like a douchebag, so that's awkward.

Also I think he's a bit more willing to take his time moving into the apartment because this is his house, meaning he can masturbate here. All of my toys are at the apartment we're moving into and even if they weren't I can't exactly masturbate here because first of all: rude sauce and second of all, I mean yes his family is probably rich enough to have flood insurance despite living in Minnesota but GEEZ. That would really be awkward.

I took a nap today at the apartment while waiting for the cable guy and I was so tempted to be like "NO NAP, COVERT SELF-STIMULATION" but I was seriously freaking tired. I woke up early to talk to another astral rape survivor (first one I've found who actually wants to talk) via phone, to prove to her that I'm real. It's weird knowing someone else has had that experience though I think she went through way worse than what I am, especially because I'm technically "free" at this point, knock on hospitably placed makeshift nightstand wood.

Oh and here's just a general list of things I'm stressing about right now.

1.) I seem to be here for an indefinite amount of time and I don't have an indefinitely patient system...I've been here close to a week plus the hospitality, I'd feel less rude and freeloading if we just went home not that I don't like his parents and brother and cats but sheesh I feel like a freeloader.

2.) I have to submit this mess of therapist bill to my insurance which probably won't pay for 90% of it because the bill is HUGE. I think I'll probably tell the douchebag "good things wait man..."

3.) I have to fire the douchebag and I hate firing douchebags because douchebags always fail to realize they're douchebags and rearrange reality to make ME feel like a douchebag...it's sort of like breaking up with my girlfriend who was also a douchebag I technically had to "fire" except I wasn't paying her to be a douchebag so it's kind of different.

4.) My parents are being themselves.

5.) I want to find a new frickin job.

Gripes

So I broke up with my girlfriend the other day, mainly because she was angry at me for thinking that she doesn't listen to me...which she naturally responded to by yelling at me and, well, not LISTENING to me xD. Killer logic there. I'd like to pretend I wasn't thinking of having my sadistic angel, Larissa, give her a good verbal lashing but it occurs to me that I don't actually care enough and likely, neither does Larissa so it's kind of a pointless point.

And, because my life is Degrassi on crack, the biggest, formalest, danciest dance just HAS to be this Friday. Being the "I WILL NOT GO ALONE I ALREADY BOUGHT SHOES OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG" person that I am, I asked a lesbian friend of mine. After calling my best friend to confirm that I really meant it when I asked for a "friend-date" she said yes, so I guess at least I've got a date. Is it weird to go on a friend date with someone you've already gotten drunk and made out with right after some girl pulled a John Tucker between you two and some bisexual chick? My inclination is "yes, extremely weird," but I'm going to try not to focus on that and at least focus on "hey I have a date."

She doesn't want to be more than friends, though, because she at least knows on the surface level that I was raped and that I've been through so much hell that she's scared to hurt me. That's understandable, I guess, but I can't help but feel like my best friend's date will marry him and they'll live in a big castle in the middle of a beautiful meadow with ponies and kittens and have beautiful golden-haired children even though he's ethnically Jewish and she's brunette.

Oh and one of the most awesomely esteemed therapists in the area diagnosed me with PTSD KNOWING that my rape was astral. I consider that something of a victory...to have documented PTSD over a non-physical, "magical" rape. I want to carry the signed diagnostic note in my wallet as a charm almost...but no I have to give it to the disabilities office so they can tell teachers I need "reasonable accomodations" ie: if the lesson is about rape they can't get mad at me for running out of the room screaming. Joy.

By the way I really wish that people would stop giving me the "think about whether or not you're ready to be in a relationship" business. If you tell me I need to think MORE about anything, unless it's feces, penises, or crawly worms you're probably wrong because I think way too much about everything else. If you think I should think more about feces, penises, or crawly worms I'll ignore you anyhow.

Speaking of penises and crawly worms, a new/old friend of mine is still friends with my rapist's ex, the boyfriend she was dating when she raped me. That is a pretty hardcore brand of awkward.

I really wish people wouldn't tell me to stop "acting" complex, to stop "dwelling" on my issues, or to just "be happy." People don't get that it isn't that fucking easy.