So I'm a 34 B now. The first cup size change since the summer before 7th grade. Go me. My breasts are still so goddamn small, but still there are those days where it feels like NOTHING supports them enough. I sometimes feel like I want some kind of claws to push them up and hold them in place so they'll feel supported and not all tender and lame like they do now.
The girl I like describes herself as a T & A girl (she likes tits and asses). That's great for me because aside from what a drunk chick once called "a D cup bootie" and I call "an ugly fat ass," I have zero curves. My breasts...are perky I guess...and I've heard good things about my areolas, but that's not enough to assuage my horror that my body is some kind of terribly unlovable mistake. Then again...there's nothing I can do to make myself acceptable. If my breasts were bigger, chances are gravity would fuck everything up and I'd get rejected for small breasted girls just as a toast to horrible cosmic justice. If I don't shave my pubic hair, I always get this flood of crap from my guy friends about how nasty pubic hair is, and how that girl better shave (one guy said this to me under the assumption that hair doesn't grow on the labia...HAH). Shaving pubic hair is masochism, ladies and gents. There's nothing I like more than having a blade brush against my clitoris, knowing that this isn't some kinky, fucked up, exotic favor I'm doing for someone, but something our chauvinistic society mandates if you ever want to be worth anything sexually speaking.
Technically I shouldn't care. I'm a lesbian, so what the hell do I care if men (the porn-brainwashed ones) would never want me? I care because ever since I came out I've been getting this bull crap of "you're so lucky you're a lesbian because you don't have to give blow jobs/take it up the ass/swallow cum/break your hymen/whatever."
If these girls had any idea what kind of bullshit and horror I go through to be gay, I pray they'd have the decency to shut their goddamn mouths. Narrowly escaping a rapist and spell caster with festering herpes, in my mind, outdoes "he wants a blow job and I have no will of my own so I can't say no." Having your family treat you like shit, then scream at you for thinking they've ceased to love you, all over your orientation...somehow seems harder to get around than "I really don't like anal Guy I'm Into. Can we do something else?"
Point is, I don't want my lesbianism to be about weakness. I want to be able to do everything a straight girl can, maybe more. This is especially difficult when you have penetration problems like I do.
My stomach is killing me. I can't tell if it's from hunger, overeating of junk, exhaustion, PMS, or a lovely mixture of the above. I cooked for myself for the first time yesterday without anybody holding my hand the whole way, and today I was just too tired/lazy. My exit was closed on the way to my psychologist's office, so I missed it and ended up missing my appointment which I sorely needed :'( Oh and I forgot to mention that this all went down when I was two days off Zoloft...because that's just the best.
Being off Zoloft gives me terrible chills, terrible panic, terrible rage. I hate it.
I'm dead tired...but I hate the thought of sleep tonight...waaaah. I don't want it to be Monday, and I don't want to have to start looking for a new job:'(
1 comment:
You really need a hug. Well I for one believe that your struggles are on equal level with that of any heterosexual girl.
Sure you don't have to give blow jobs but neither to that, and that's the point their too ignorant to realize and afraid to admit.
I'd say there's nothing bad about small breasts, but a guy can never give proper body advice to a female without is being somehow misinterpreted. So I'll just say you look nice, boobs and all.
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